8. Caveat: The Challenges To Change
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
Perhaps the greatest challenge to making changes in our lives, especially for those who have firmly established patterns in a dysfunctional dance with others, is that the patterns of others are going to be affected as well. The dance may involve many partners, some intimately. Everyone’s feet probably keep stepping in the same rut, not just the person receiving counseling. While those who encourage change may find it less challenging to removing the old patterns, it still may be uncomfortable or unfamiliar. If those around the subject are part of the anger equation as well, then there’s bound to be some fairly bumpy trips and falls, if not outright resistance. To change takes commitment and energy. It’s easier to stay in the rut.
Murray Bowen, originator of the Bowen Family Systems Theory, emphasizes, “…In all families there is a powerful opposition to one member defining a more independent self.” While on the surface it seems that everyone involved would welcome freedom from anger, it can, as mentioned, be unfamiliar territory at the least, and downright hostile at its worst, if others in the family unit have anger management issues as well.
The reason for this opposition is that not everyone may be at the point of commitment to change. Certainly support would make it easier for the client, but one must be prepared in certain situations as described above where one may be “pressured” to change back. If the anger issues reside as part of a larger problem, like controlling or abusive parents or spouses (or even children!) within the unit, there are inevitably “counter moves” that are unconsciously designed to prevent a disruption of the existing patterns which would force the remaining elements to change as well. In this, the anger beliefs present in the others who have just as much resistance to looking at themselves as the anger management subject. According to Bowen, the counter moves inevitably follow successive steps.
- You are wrong. Not only are “you” (the subject) wrong and mistaken in these new beliefs, changes that are provoking the status quo of the dysfunctional dance, but here are the volumes of reasons to support why you are wrong. This is a dangerous step for the anger management subject, as they will hear many of those internal thoughts they are challenging being voiced openly against them and undermining the commitment to change. “You’ve been wronged, you have a right to be angry.” “So you’re just not going to stand up for yourself anymore?” “Are you going to let somebody else tell you how to think?” and assuming the subject weathers the storm, the argument moves into new territory…
- Change back and we will accept you. All is forgiven and forgotten. Things can return to their previous familiarity and comfort (the discomfort being the out-of-sync behavior being manifested which no longer fits the pattern). If this doesn’t succeed, the inevitable third stage is…
- If you don’t change back, these will be the consequences… (which are then listed). Given that the anger management subject may be in the midst of trying to look for a point of outward stability during the emotional tenuousness of an evolving belief system, such threats become just that; very threatening. The possible loss of family security, of the retraction of love and support (such as it is) can produce very real fear, stress and anxiety, all things that lower the anger threshold. “We can’t be close if you feel this way.” “How can we have a relationship if you mean that?” Often, even psychosomatic illnesses such as stress, asthma or even heart attack and stroke can be provoked by the fear of shifts in the relationship.
Another very common counter move—especially prevalent if the subject uses “time-outs” to disengage or remove oneself from heated situations, is that of implied selfishness. Taunts and accusations can abound, preying on the subject’s fragile hold upon their own emerging convictions of changing automatic behaviors. If more than one person is involved, often the third party will insinuate disloyalty and cruelty. “How could you upset your mother brother, father, sibling?”
As irrational or ludicrous as it seems, and many of the accusations of counter moves are downright ironic, the threat to breaking cycles and patterns are more compounded in a group dynamic than even on the personal front. All of the anxiety, fear and discomfort the subject feels in venturing into new and unknown territory that threatens one’s established sense of identity are intensely magnified when two or more people are part of the dynamic.
These counter moves are the other’s attempts to restore a relationship to its prior balance or equilibrium. With change, the balance is upset. The counselor’s job is to be very aware of such situations. The subject’s job is to remain very clear about his or her own position and priorities, not to argue about the other person’s behavior, to lecture, to prevent it from happening or to try to “educate” or “counsel” the other person.
While the problem can be daunting, it should be put in context of a challenge and opportunity. It is our individual choice, not the choice of others, to define our status, position and responsibilities. In this way, the multiple party situations are just an opportunity to extend the anger management practice already underway.