9. Forgiveness
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
While forgiveness might initially assert itself as belonging in the section on religious based techniques, it occurs that on some level each of the foregoing approaches hovers at the edge of dealing with forgiveness without actually being so explicit. Also, while prayer and religion might be very straightforward about forgiveness, prayer and religion have a tendency in most faiths to leave the practical demonstration of the rule up to individual enlightenment. Saying, “I forgive you” and then trying to convince oneself because it is either what’s expected or a sin to do otherwise, while actually holding on to the thoughts that insist that we have been wronged is to invite the disaster of suppressed anger, and eventually a psychological disorder.
Everyone is familiar with the axiom of, “forgive and forget,” though a more recent pop axiom is “forgive but don’t forget.” Both are suggesting forgiveness in action, but one implies that the “lesson learned” should remain a part of our continued conscious action and assessment. The difficulty with this approach is in determining whether or not the individual has really “moved on” or still harbors silent resentment and suspicions that color future behavior.
One definition of forgiveness is, “to pardon, to relinquish any debt, resentment or desire for retribution.” If the anger reflex pattern that asserts itself is based on the idea that we are wronged or threatened, and if the anger management techniques are designed to disengage that reflexive action as inconsistent and detrimental to our well being, then anger management is, at some level, advocating a relinquishment of resentment and desire for retribution in effect, seeking to pardon the supposed cause of this wrongdoing. In The Anger Workbook (1993), written by Les Carter, Ph.D. and Frank Minirth, M.D., the authors suggest that there is a need to forgive, and it begins with the need to forgive ourselves. In forgiving ourselves and seeking the forgiveness of others that have been exposed to the rage, the subject comes up against the need to forgive others as well. In fact, the whole concept of forgiveness requires a universal approach on the part of those seeking to be forgiven. In seeing themselves as having been mistaken in their beliefs, anger management subjects are better able to extend that realization to include others. Here, regardless of beliefs, we are reminded of the Christian prayer to, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”
Carter and Minirth also include that forgiveness requires the setting aside of “idealistic myths.” This is corroborated in other cognitive and behavioral approaches where the subject is counseled to practice “unconditional acceptance,” and to “allow themselves and others to be human and to make mistakes.” The Anger Workbook states that anger is the thief of unmet needs and unrealized expectations. It is not “us” vs. “them” that is out there trying to inhibit us, but a rather a group of “us” that are all trying to meet their needs and realize expectations. Realizing this diffuses much that encourages us to hold on to our anger and creates a path for forgiveness and healing.