Active Listening
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
The idea of “active” listening, also called “total,” “complete” or “whole body” listening is espoused by several authors (Hanh, 2001; Hightower, 2002; Lerner, 1985) The concept and exercise is one often used in relationship therapy, but has elements helpful to any situation, specifically anger management counseling.
Listening with your whole self means essentially, to turn off your inner thought responses while the other person is talking, and to concentrate on the communication being delivered; the words, tone, body language, and other aspects of non-verbal communication. The rationale involved is multi-faceted. Just as two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time, neither can one hold two thoughts simultaneously. If we are engaging in an active thought dialogue while someone is communicating to us, we are not entirely receiving the communication on a conscious level. As the whole object of anger management is to engage the conscious, rational mind in order to avoid allowing suppositional, emotionally charged thoughts to color the situation, active listening forces an insistence on staying in the present moment. Chances are more than very good that what we are receiving is not actually what we are reacting to.
Also, by active listening we are disrupting previously established patterns. Not only does this inhibit and prevent the anger reflex and engaging, but it “forges a new track” so to speak. Each effort and accomplishment makes it easier to disengage the self-thoughts that are nothing more than essentially a re-forging of the present experience into the re-playing of another moment in another place and time. It is, at its core, a fantasy.
Lastly, our active listening promotes effective listening, building compassion and empathy. If our thought remains centered on what the other person is saying in all ways, then we can become focused on responding to them in the most appropriate way. For instance, even when criticism or anger is being expressed, we can watch for, listen and discern the true value of the other person’s need. Active listening disengages the selfish responses and allows us to be alert for the other person’s expression of frustration and hurt. This gives us the ability to reach across any semantic or language barrier. Even if we are the supposed cause and or source of whatever has provoked the criticism, hurt, anger, fear or upset, we are practicing ministration and comfort which serves both ourselves and the other party(ies). Hightower, in Anger Busting 101 (2002), gives some practical tools to effect this.