Access Your Expectations
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
Nay, Taking Charge of Anger (1993), asserts that our anger is unique to each individual, and triggered by what we have been taught from our childhood about what to expect from the world and other individuals. When expectations are not met, we experience anger. What is important and what isn’t differs in degree from individual to individual. If we can de-emotionalize our expectations and objectively look at these expectations, we are then able to assess them in a rational way and thus reduce their ability to trigger an anger reflex. While one person’s standards might seem too rigid, another’s might seem too lax. It is important to remember that such things are usually as deeply ingrained as our own beliefs…and often, just as unconscious. It is best to remember that as foreign as certain philosophies, ideals, religious beliefs or goals are to us, ours may be as equally incomprehensible to them, but neither is intrinsically “wrong.”
As we review our expectations, we must target those that we wish to edit or discard as unrealistic. For those we wish to retain, and which have strong and emotional import to us—as in the case of manners, politics, religion and such—we should then add a level of mental preparedness to make us more resilient and controlled when confronted by a situation. Before setting and defining these expectations, ask yourself the following questions:
- Is this particular expectation so important? Why? “Just because it is” or “Everyone agrees that it is” is the type of answer that should point you toward more reflective thinking about “Why.”
- Review your past experiences with this expectation and evaluate the outcome.
- Is this expectation worth the upset to yourself and others? Perhaps some are, in the case of a moral argument like physical abuse or respect, but the question would then become, “What degree of upset is acceptable and appropriate?”
- Can you prepare or modify your reaction into a response that does not trigger anger? For instance, you know that X will eventually or at some point happen, and that X will make you angry. What will you do?
- Prepare for both success and failure. Both success and failure have a price.
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