Communication & Discovery
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
Communication always helps to de-escalate potentially volatile situations. (Note that this refers to true communication, and not to mere “talking” which can lead to aggravation, yelling and anger.) Communication also leads to discovery (as in Inquiry, above) as well as understanding and eventual repair and reconciliation of damaged relationships. Communication helps to eliminate hidden expectations that we have of ourselves, others or situations, avoiding misunderstandings that might trigger anger. The discovery component is a key to self-reflective cognizance. Do we shut out or shut down certain types of communications with our anger? For instance, when a particular topic or issue comes up, is it inevitably one that leads to discomfort or becomes an explosive issue? Rationally, we should accept that anything we are unwilling or uncomfortable in talking about is a clue that it is precisely the thing we should be examining, for if we are shutting out communication with our anger, either by yelling, raging or ignoring certain communications, then there is something in our unconscious mind that does not want exposure to “the light of reason and rational thinking.”
Take Responsibility.
Make sure you are responsible, and accepting responsibility for your own words and actions. Blaming others, asserting that our actions and words are “out of our control” or justifying our words and actions as part of a cause and effect scenario are all ways of avoiding responsibility.
Stay On Track.
Once aware of the pitfalls and triggers, don’t allow mistakes to derail you. Avoid the patterns that provoke habitual anger problems by staying in the here and now instead of fantasizing over past or future “what if” scenarios that give the emotionally volatile thoughts a chance to engage you. Give yourself constant messages that you do have the skills to manage and maintain your conscious equilibrium.
Use “I” messages vs. “You” messages.
“You always do such and such,” or “You’re ‘this’ or ‘that.’” The use of “I” messages in communications helps to reaffirm our part and responsibility in a situation, and actually affords us a greater measure of control over ourselves. For instance, beginning with, “I start feeling upset when you…” This enforces to ourselves that we are responsible for these feelings and that we play a part in the scenario, not merely helpless victims in someone else’s play. The “I” message not only promotes responsibility, but also limits or eliminates the opportunity for defensive or accusatory statements that might escalate a conflict. The “I” message does not accuse, although it asserts a viewpoint and allows for a response. Most importantly, “I” messages offer an opportunity to break patterns of behavior especially in relationships which are often reduced to me vs. you mentality.