Unraveling The Web, Cognizing Your Needs
(This is an excerpt from a University Of Metaphysical Sciences course at www.umsonline.org,
please feel free to visit the school website)
In Overcoming Anger (2004) Jones suggests that rather than mere exercises and affirmations, it is essential that we “unravel the web of our angst” by searching for the hidden needs that drive us to our anger behaviors. After an anger incident, we should sit down and ask ourselves the following:
“What need was I trying to meet?” Go beyond the obvious and search yourself. “What perceived pain or hurt influenced my behavior?” “What beliefs influenced my behavior?” “Can I accept the outcome, learn and move on?”
The approach here is predicated on the idea that we create our own experience, we have the reality we are looking for. If a particular situation keeps happening such as explosive anger, it is because we have some hidden need that is not being addressed or fulfilled in a logical and productive way. This point of reasoning can be especially fruitful for all parties who find themselves facing anger challenges, including the spouse and family as well as the anger addict. Insomuch as everyone can be encouraged to take as much responsibility as they can for their own experience, it benefits both the anger addict as well as helping to insure that the “victim” aspect of anger is minimized.
Nature vs. Nurture
What do you believe you’re stuck with? And what do you believe you can change? Making a list of parents, relatives, childhood situations, and breaking them into two categories, nature and nurture, might reveal some misplaced beliefs that we’re holding to. For example, a father’s intolerance for clutter does not pass through the DNA and make us an obsessive compulsive personality. Simply recognizing that some things we accept about ourselves are actually learned behaviors open the door to making productive and constructive changes.
Writing Your Own Story
This exercise encourages writing your own anger story. When did you first become angry? At whom? And why? What have been the circumstances of your anger up until now? With whom and how do you generally express it? How long does it last? How does it feel? Has anger been an asset or a liability in your life? The purpose of the exercise is to first encourage the subject to pursue the topic in as much detail and as thoroughly as possible. It can take the form of a narrative or a first person story. Then, the subject has an “objectified” story that is, assessed and analyzed. Does it make the subject uneasy or anxious, sad, or possibly angry? No matter the reaction, it offers an actual “thing” that can be looked at and talked about while allowing the subject to maintain some distance. The writer may even be surprised by his or her own story or stumble upon patterns and realizations simply through the objectivity of the exercise.
From there, it becomes possible for the subject to edit or “rewrite” the story, focusing entirely on altering their own role in the events of the story, thereby creating a guideline for future action.
Post Your Commitment
As with any kind of writing, committing thoughts to paper tend to make them more tangible. Whatever your approach, whether challenging a belief, committing to a particular goal, working on an affirmation, write it on a card or Post-It Note. Place it on your bathroom mirror, on your desk, in your pocket…wherever you will be constantly reminded.